The past few weeks, I have been pushing myself beyond limits and heading towards goals I never thought would come true. After quite possibly the worst month in human history, I had to get myself in gear and go forward. This has been a mix of little things and huge steps for me, but really I am proud of all i’ve done and it’s fallen under achieving goals and finding happiness in myself in one way or another.
Over the past few years i’ve had a lot of goals and i’ve had to realise some, at the moment, are unachievable, but instead of being disappointed, I need to understand that they are not in my control.
This was really the first step to being more happy in myself rather than feeling a constant dark cloud hang over me and my already dark-feeling self. That doesn’t mean, however, that other goals cannot be reached! What’s holding you back? I’d ask my self. The clear answer was anxiety, but with a clear head and the gut to verbalise this dream to a close friend in contemplation, I decided that was the day to just screw those thoughts.
So, I hear you ask (or not, you’re probably not interested… sorry), what have I done, and what am I doing to make myself happier; to feel more like myself; to reach these goals?
- Applying for new things at work
- Eating changes
- Risk taking with my appearance
Work, work (Angelica!)
As I mentioned in my last post, I recently got offered te role as ‘Supervisor’ at work, which is totally crazy to me. I’ve worked with Lush for less than a year and didn’t expect such an amazing opportunity so quickly! Though, of course, Lush are a wonderful employer in everything they do. Anyway, I hadn’t really considered the prospect. In my mind I did have a little thought that maybe one day, if it came up, I might want to be a supervisor, but last time it came up I didn’t apply as I didn’t feel ready. It now felt right. Also, I did regret not applying last time but kept it hidden as in the words of Albus Dumbeldore, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” This was another reason applying was so important to me this time; living with anxiety (and other physical and mental health problems) means that I often refrain from living; I hold myself back and I fear failure. Due to my health, I also cannot tell what I am genuinely able to do. I fear the pain I face doing basic activities and the concept of pushing myself too far. What’s happened with my education is a clear example of something being out of my control- you’d think i’d be able to cope at school, right? That was not the case and it soon appeared to be out of my hands, hence not going to uni next year anymore. Without just focusing on the negatives, though, I took a huge leap: I was so desperate to apply for the role as Supervisor when it came up and finally fully felt ready for it. I wanted it more than anything. The way I decided to overcome my fear of being totally unsuccessful was by telling my dad’s best friend about it; it was sort of an accountability thing, and he made sure I applied. When I found out i’d gotten an interview, anxiety hit me, but I tried my hardest to transfer that into positive energy, and that came across quite well. The anxiety was worth how I felt when I found out i’d got the job. Any stress I will face, and the hard work I am going to put in in the future will be worth the outcome, worth the fact that I am now a supervisor and I am giving back to my Lush team.
I am 18 years old and I am on the management team of somewhere I have worked for 11 months. That’s something to be proud of, right?
Well, regardless of what others think of it, I am more than proud of myself.
Food, glorious, food!
I’ve made a few changes to my diet recently that has made me feel great; I am slowly working on becoming a vegan.
I have actually been advised against veganism by more than one medical professional (for health reasons) but I am so for the morals of veganism- environmentally and regarding the treatment of animals.
To overcome this issue, I have been eating vegan a lot more. This slow transition and gradual contribution means I, for now, can only think one thing: Every little thing helps. Every vegan meal has some impact on the world. For me, my health is not great and veganism is not financially viable as a constant at the moment, but any chance I get to eat vegan, I will take.
This has also been positive as it’s motivated me to eat meals. In my current mental state, i’m really not sure that this is a good thing, but i’m thinking more rationally here. I have been eating and I have felt somewhat positive towards vegan food, which I am going to claim to be positive towards food full stop. I won’t (for now) talk about this a lot, but I do suffer from issues (diagnosed) with eating. Looking at me and my rather large figure, and following me on instagram where I frequently post food pictures, you may not think this. Truthfully, if I post food on instagram, that’ll be all i’ve eaten. Hell, that’s a lie, half of the time I merely post it for show. I might not have eaten it in the end, or it’ll be someone elses. I do try and use it in a positive way and almost use it as an accountability thing (I’ve told the gram I’ve eaten it, so I must). It’s a cover. Anyway, this paragraph has made me feel uncomfortable enough, but you get my point, vegan eating has made me feel a little more positive towards food which is honestly great. Despite how I mentally may feel, vegan eating is good for me on paper.
What’s wrong with being confident?
I took a risk just over a week ago. For years, I’ve wanted a nose piercing and have slid back to fake hoops many, many times, but in an impulsive state and attempt to seek happiness, I went for it, and I am pretty much in love with it.
I am very, very happy with it and it’s made me feel actually very confident.
Also, shout out to my good friend Amber for the encouragement.
The day after I got this done, I also wore a crop top for the first time!!! Due to issues raised in the last paragraph you can imagine why this would be huge for me. I am super proud of myself and felt great. I even posted it on instagram to try and promote body positivity in myself! The LP cafe, a local cafe, has a vintage rail and I picked up a cute ‘GRL PWR’ top for £5! I wanted to channel the queer feminist vibes I possess. I also picked up the most beautiful oversized denim jacket and dressy skirt that I very much am in love with.
This style change is so important to me because it made me happy. I’ve really channelled my inner aesthetic the past few days, which is amazing news considering i’ve not felt comfortable in myself and my style in the longest of times.
So, these three things have been big for me. The past week has delivered me a glimmer of hope, and with things currently consistently going downhill, I’m just glad I have these to hold onto.
Love always, Lauren xxx