disability, mental health, Uncategorized

Things I want to do more of in 2018

So. 2017 was a pretty rough year, come to think of it. I did in fact gain a lot and overcome some hurdles, but in the grand retrospect that is my life, many, many events totally changed my plans, future, and I found myself feeling very lost a lot of the time.

A few days ago, I made some self affirmations (as an alternative to resolutions), since I find my mental health allows me to get so caught up in negativity, some of which I could slow down and work on rationality with. I hope I am able to work with my head this year to get to a place I feel safe within myself.

I wanted to expand on these affirmations of self goals. I don’t want to create toxic resolutions as I know how caught up I can get, but there are things I would love to do this year and I know would be good for me and my general future.

Here goes:

  • I would like to get back into education. Not necessarily full time, just yet (who knows, though) but I primarily would like to rekindle my relationship with learning. The education system struck me down. I have always been rather academic (though, may I add, I have always had to work incredibly hard for it). I excelled in what I loved; humanities. For A levels, it was English Lit (my one true love), Politics, History and Classical Civilisation I studied. Dislocating my hip for a second time gave me a general flare up of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, and fibromyalgia. This, along with my extremely poor mental health, caused me to miss a lot of lessons. I continued, however, to work as hard as I could and the information did get caught up with, but the mess my mind and body was in, mixed with a Cauldron of different medications meant I was in no fit state to take my examinations. I planned to go back and complete them this year (my school kindly offered me a place) but I found myself barely recovered by the time I was meant to return to the depths of education. I found my relationship with education wrecked, and also certain subjects (that, however, as a result of different people’s reactions). I very much was contemplating doing an Open University degree alongside work, but I have discovered I need a break. I work myself extremely hard and trying to add a further commitment at this stage could call for a toxic downfall, and I first and foremost need to care for myself and work on being happy and fulfilled with life. Although I say I will not be doing an Open degree, The Open University have some wonderful online courses, generally. Some are paid for, but I have mostly been delving into the free further education, for now. Just before the end of the year, I did a social sciences course focused on the production of coffee and it’s impacts geographically. I have also, in the past, done some on literature, drama etc which I found I loved. I will learn, I will love to learn, and I will do it at my own pace.
  • I would like to do more gaming and get back into things such as anime. I feel like in the more recent past I’ve been very safe; I would rather watch re-runs of Miranda, something I know will make me smile, laugh, or if i’m too down for that at least make me feel safe. I haven’t got the thrill of watching a new series as much, and after one bad experience with an anime I disliked avoided the whole genre for a while (for some unknown reason). I also haven’t had a laptop for a long time, so aside games on my phone and iPad (which, aside for helping prevent anxiety I hardly count as gaming), I have been unable to game for the longest of times. I have recently been loving the game ‘To The Moon’ but have a lovely long wishlist of things I would like to play again. I mostly haven’t delved into these as of yet as I haven’t had the time, since the week leading up to new year was pretty hectic at work and i’m otherwise just generally tired.
  • Share my creativity more and allow myself to have the time to be more creative. As I’ve mentioned before, my creativity is frequently showcased on Lush Watford’s Instagram account, as myself and Hannah run it (with the wonderful help of Claire, Jack and Ciera), but i’d love to allow more time for me to be creative. I love art but I’m also a huge perfectionist so get stressed if things aren’t exactly how I envision them, which is so bad because it holds back my creativity. I shall, from now on, ensure I continually draw, write and share. I do fear judgement in my creative outputs, too, so hold back a fair bit.

I want to be creative. I want to be adventurous. I will adventure in 2018, I will follow my passion for travel, I will be spontaneous.

I want to do more than simply ‘get through’ 2018, and if I have to live through being chronically ill, I’m just going to have to do more things (that I can, of course- I shan’t push myself too much) to throw in the face of it and say “hey, you can’t make this not my year”.

Is there anything you guys want to do more of this year?

Push yourself; not too hard, don’t wear yourself out, but as much as you can.

Love always,

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