film, tv, and music, LGBT, personal, Uncategorized

“It’s Just Crazy To Not Even Be Your Authentic Self, Even In Your Own Home” (PRIDE MONTH, 2018)

By now, you may have guessed from all my other social media platforms that I am totally obsessed with RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Detox 1

I owe a lot to the show, truly. It was my good pal Carter who got me into it, slowly to begin with and later on a much more obsessive scale. It is now my everything and I work for a company which has aspects of Drag race in eeeeeeverything, Queen.

Even our ‘swag’ (exclusive sustainably made clothing and accessories) makes references.

Subtle or blatantly Throwing shade.

Lush have also worked with Michelle Visage… pretty cool if you ask me.

Anyway, working for a company that is basically the biggest collective of drag fans has only gotten me into the show more, but it’s the show I’m here to speak about, and specifically, a certain moment that spoke to me.

Season 7. 

RuPaul’s Drag Race 7 featured favourites such as Ginger Minj, Violet Chachki, Trixie Mattel and Katya to name a few, but one person stole the show for me, especially on episode six; Jaidynn Diore Fierce.

Why? Well first of all, this gal’s fierce as hell in sooo many ways, but her charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent is not what I’m going to speak about today.

It’s this glorious moment: Jaidynn coming out on television.

I know it may seem weird to some people… but I get it. This moment put something into words I never could phrase myself.

I think it’s fair to say that I bear a fair LGBT+ presence online, whether that’s on here discussing LGBT+ issues, contributing to events such as The Queer Café in London and subsequently writing about it, or generally just posting things that insinuate that i’m Not A Straight™  in the twittersphere.

Would it shock you if I told you this?

I’m not out in ‘real life’. Not to parents, family… anyone like that.

Of course, my friends know, and everyone at work does, but I never really ‘came out’ to anyone. I remember my- what, amongst my fellow LGBT pals, we tend to call- ‘queer awakening’… I told my best friend I had a crush on someone like I would have a boy. That was it. I honestly, apart from a little shock, never really struggled with sexuality to begin with- I thought nothing else of it. Maybe that was having so many ‘out’ friends, or the fact I’d always identified as ace/aro/demi (I currently feel I still do identify with (demi)pansexual), but I sort of just went with it. That’s not to say I haven’t had struggles since (because, heck, I have and still do despite the fact I truly love who I am and am proud of who I love). But… my point is, I’ve never really come out? Unless someone saying ‘I’m bi’ and me replying with a ‘I’m Pan!’ And a high five upon meeting counts. My pals know, as mentioned, and if I ever feel comfortable enough to mention, for example, my girlfriend, or past relationships, when talking to others- be it customers or as a customer myself- I will throw it in there. I would do that more, and more, and more, if I could, but society still makes me feel anxious about mentioning being LGBT+ in the same way a heterosexual person would talk about their significant other.

Regardless of never really coming  out  to anyone ceremonially  despite my very out presence, being confronted by family, even in the most casual situations… it stresses me out. It panics me. I hate it and in some ways, want to turn myself inside out, when even a hint of it comes out. It’s crazy; I want to be able to be free to be who I am, feel freedom in who I love but I can’t bring myself to feel a comfort in my sexuality around them.

I know that, most likely, they know… but it’s unspoken.

This is just the same as Jaidynn.

If there are bad feelings, this silence keeps them at bay, and hey.. if there’s not.. well, there’s not, but i’m still much too terrified to insinuate such a thing and really, at the moment, anyway, do not fancy a conversation on it.

I guess, in some ways, this is it.

I don’t tend to have my parents on social media, but they do know I have a blog so maybe, they do read it every now and then and will see this. Scary, but hey.

So, today I’m following this fierce queen’s tracks and saying this.

Here. I. Am.

I am proud of who I am, and who I love. Yes, society makes me feel ashamed and there have been days where being who I am has scared me, but I’ve grown to realise it’s the cruel world that I’m afraid of, not myself, someone who just wants the freedom to love hearts, not parts.

If any of my dear family are reading this, I love you and I hope you still love me too. All I can ask now is for you to respect the LGBT+ community, to respect my relationships and respect the space and comfort I need on the matter.

Thank you.

This is something that I wasn’t sure if I’d share or not, but regardless needed to verbalise for my own sanity’s sake, and I thought.. hey. What a great start?! I most certainly will be bearing weight on pride posts this month as June is.. PRIDE MONTH.

Thank you LGBT+ pals and allies for yet again reading my rambles.

Love always,

Disclaimer: This post was written a while ago but I wanted to wait until pride month to post it. I planned to post it on Friday 1st, but due to the Lush controversy, I felt super anxious about everything, so held back. But regardless, I want to be able to be free to be me, proud of who I am. So here. Maybe later than planned, but here. It’s pride month, and myself, as a queer gal, I am proud.

2 thoughts on ““It’s Just Crazy To Not Even Be Your Authentic Self, Even In Your Own Home” (PRIDE MONTH, 2018)”

  1. I do love you for who you are and all that you are x
    Maybe I should have started reading your blogs months ago x
    I love you millions ,always and forever x mum x


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